At least that is what I say to myself when I am upset.
I have gotten in the habit of asking myself “does THIS matter?” If I am being honest the answer is usually no. Don’t take that as “please walk all over me though.” I am just moving through a series of questions in my head that pretty much disarm the giant toddler that wants to run amuck. So far so good. The arguments I can come up with to say yes are pretty weak. In fact, they are selfish, self serving and manipulative. Invented for self appeasement and hearing what I want to be told. May the good Lord help us if the toddler ever assumes control, I will tear the world from end to end.
“Kristie, you really must work on yourself. You can’t go around having temper tantrums because you don’t get your way.” You can’t really say that to me. I KNOW you have a toddler in you TOO! This makes me smile a bit on a day that I don’t really feel like smiling. I had to tell myself that IT doesn’t matter already today. I really didn’t want to hear it, but these small things really don’t matter.
You see, I am afraid and when I am afraid I will try to do anything to not be afraid. I am currently in a very uncomfortable place. I am afraid that I will be told I am not good enough or that I am not worth it. I don’t like feeling this way and I would like to have someone tell me that I am ok. Problem with that is no one can tell me that. Really. No ONE can do that for another person. Yet, that is what I want. So. I ask myself “does IT matter?” and the answer is No.
I can only do it for myself. So. As I run down the list of catastrophic events asking myself if IT meets the criteria I have to say No. It doesn’t matter. At the end of the day (hopefully, it doesn’t take that long for me to get there) I am in charge of how I feel, how I interpret events. I get to choose if IT matters.
It doesn’t matter.
